A Love Story
by redayo
Summary: Alexander and Hephaestion love for each other is complicated by Alexanders nacissistic personality. Hephaestions must deal with him along with his own untreated Bipolar disorder that produces panic attacks that he has been treating with cutting. The characters are Jared Leto as Hephaestion and Brad Pitt as Alexander Lots of M/M sex, rape, mentalhealth issues and cutting BEWARE
1. Chapter 1

So I changed a few things here trying to give some backstory so Hephaestion would not seem like such a wimp. Or at least you would understand him more. Characters are obviously not mine Beware m/m sex. Sorry about the weird writing style and paragraphs let me know what you think

Many know the story of Alexander the Great the conqueror of Asia.

His battles are noted in detail.

He is known for his temper, his brutality, his love of cultures, his love for men and women.

Alexander was described as ambitious, arrogant

Needing to be the center of attention

His emotions often overruling his rational thinking

Interfering with his judgments

He distrusted everyone bordering on paranoia

He had a need to control and manipulate others in his life

This need was projected towards me in particular with great intensity

I met Alexander at the age of 13, some say we were the same age but we were not he was two years older.

My childhood had molded me into the perfect partner for Alexander

His need to control

My need to be loved

My idea of love, of being loved was distorted

The isolation that came with being with Alexander exaggerating the distortion

He was all I knew

Alexander made sure of that

Often controlling who I talked to where I could go

Making me feel guilty for wanting anything other than him

If he felt I was pulling away he would threaten to leave me

If he felt I was defying him in any way he would rage

Destroying my things abusing me physically, sexually

Telling me I caused it with my behavior

Minimizing the amounts and the intensity of the abuse

Calling me crazy

This twisted my mind, a mind already twisted by my father and the abandonment from my mother. As a child I thought Alexander's attention was love for I never received it from my father. Not to say that Alexander did not love me, for his idea of love was also distorted by his father and mother. We would often talk about his parents and their treatment of him. Both controlled Alexander in one way or another either through manipulation or threat. Their actions taught Alexander how to treat others, grooming him to be King.

My father taught me to fear. I had no consistency as a child, each day bringing a new threat that I had no ability to foresee. This inconsistency caused me great anxiety. When I met Alexander I was in awe of him, he was sure of himself, of his beliefs, of his place in life. I had no idea of what I would become or what was expected of me. Knowing Alexander gave me a purpose a goal through him I could do anything.

We both knew I was nothing without Alexander

He would often use that against me, testing me

He trusted no one, something I knew all about

He needed to test me, for his own peace of mind, I knew this, and did what I could to ease his mind.

But he too eased my mind.

My mind, what a strange place a mind is

It tells you things you believe with no question.

Sometimes it tells you as Alexander's mind did "you are the son of Zeus" "you are destined"

Sometimes it tells you as my mind did "you're a bad person", "you are not enough"

It's not your first thought no, your first thought is "if he loved me he would or wouldn't".

It sneaks up into your mind and takes over

Everything you see or hear is filtered through that thought "you're a bad person""you're not good enough"

Having someone like Alexander love me, would prove that I was lovable, worthy. My fear kept me from giving in to Alexander, not trusting his intentions making him pursue me, something he never had to do before. These unhealthy patterns were created early and were hard to break but also created an intensity that never waned through other lovers, marriages, wars, betrayal we used each other, leaned on each other, and conquered our demons together.

Our story is one of love

For even as it may be a distortion of love

It was how we knew love

It was the love we created

Giving to each other what the other needed

This is our story

A love story

Hephaestion

Babylon, Persia 330 B.C.

Alexander was changing.

The battles in Gaugamela had turned his body into pure muscle; his face had matured with the responsibilities of war.

He had become a King in his own right eclipsing his father's reputation.

He had always been sure of himself and his purpose

Arrogant

Now he had proof

He was welcomed into Persia as a god, a savior

Intensifying his beliefs in himself

I on the other hand

I felt the same as I did at 15

My need for Alexander never waning

My insecurities festering just below the surface of my mind

The other Generals called me the Kings whore heckling me when I was without Alexander. Leering and lusting after me, threatening me with rape if Alexander ever moved on from me. With Alexander's ever increasing responsibilities of war and politics along with new lovers and the responsibilities that come with relationships the threats came more often, as Alexander's interests became divided between me and his new lover Bagoas, it left me vulnerable.

The taunts and leers became bolder without the protection of Alexander

Harassing me

Using me as a surrogate for any misgivings or grievances with Alexander

I now most often sported a black eye or fatten lip from fighting off their rough advances. Something Alexander seemed to not notice.

Clitus being the most aggressive of the bunch seemed to take great pleasure in humiliating me, both of us knowing that he could overtake me in minutes if he had the chance.

My anxiety over these new assaults was increasing

I would often become overwhelmed with fear of leaving my room.

At these times my mind would race and thoughts of rape and the fear of what would become of me if Alexander ever left me to the wolves would cause me to panic.

My breathing would come rapidly, my hands would shake.

I would take my knife then and cut into my flesh to feel the pain and let the panic drain out with the blood.

This bloodletting had become a new ritual for me, more often it was becoming the only way I could muster the strength to leave my room.

In the battle at Gaugamela, we had all fought side by side the comradely that can only be produced by war is like no other. The intensity that you feel when you kill many men is indescribable the only thing getting you through is worrying about the man next to you more than yourself. The thought that you must be there, if they were to die, they would not die alone.

Here in Babylon, we began to distrust each other. Everyone had their own agenda pushing anyway they could to get it met. It was an environment that ate away at my psyche, I was not meant for it. It was not meant for Alexander. It produced a frightening dynamic. Alexander went from controlling an army where he ordered advances in a blink of an eye to not being able to make a decision due to gossip and threats. The only thing that Alexander knew he could control was me.

As I think back Alexander has always tried to control me

After we had begun sleeping together his controlling nature became more intense

Sex giving him a power over me that I did not understand

Our first time together

I had never felt such love

I had something with Alexander that no one else did

I felt special, wanted, loved

Alexander began allowing me into his inner circle of friends

Sitting with them as they discussed lessons and life

Alexander loved to test his limits with me

Pushing my boundaries

Telling me that if I loved him I would allow it

He had let me come along on one of their trips to the ruins where he and his friends would go to drink and talk

I was sitting in between Alexander's legs on some steps from the ruins

Alexander was running his hand up and down my thigh as he spoke

Telling the story of Hercules the mortal who became a god

I stopped his hand as he was giving me that tingly feeling that I felt when we had sex

I did not want to embarrass myself in front of these older boys, Alexander's friends

He wrapped his arm around my neck, my chin in his elbow pulling my head over to his knee he whispered into my ear

"Do not deny me Hephaestion you will regret it"

It was the first time he ever threatened me, telling me in no such terms that he could and would take it all away if I displeased him

I sat on my hands

He continued with his story and the rubbing of my thighs, kissing my neck

His friends were coming closer no longer occupied by their games watching Alexander fondle me

"Hephaestion loves this story, don't you Hephaestion?" Alexander smirks

I have an erection and his friends are laughing

I try to stand so I might run off

Embarrassed

"Hold on their Hephaestion" Alexander grabs my wrist holding me there

"No need to waste that" Alexander winks at his friends and leads me off to the back of the ruins

I hear his friends laughing as I am pulled behind Alexander

I am angry

"Why did you do that Alexander?" I shout at him

"What are you talking about" Alexander sneers

"You were touching me like you do when we are alone Alexander, in front of your friends!"

"Why would you do that? Why would you want them to see us together like that?" I am crying now

Embarrassed

Alexander has a look of shock on his face

"I did not mean to hurt you Phai" he tells me as he kisses me

"I was just teasing you" he kisses me again

"Alexander I do not want them to see us together, can't that be just ours?" I ask

"Of course my dear Phai" he whispers

Brushing the tears from my face

"You liked it though" he tells me as he continues to kiss me pushing me up against a stone wall

"When I touch you here" he runs his hands up and between my legs touching my balls

My breath quickens my erection answering for me

"How about when I touch you here" he asks as he kisses my neck and pulls on my cock

I nod my head as I inhale sharply

"Tell me sweet Hephaestion, do you like it?" he taunts me

Pulling on my cock rubbing the tip with his thumb

"Tell me you want me, tell me to fuck you"

Kissing me lifting me into his arms I wrap my legs around him he leans me against the stone wall

I blush as I say "Will you fuck me?"

He laughs "Say please fuck me my King"

"You are not King yet Alexander" I tell him defiantly

"Say it Hephaestion" he growls at me

He pushes into me, pain and pleasure

He sucks on my neck holding me up by his hands on my ass

Driving into me

"Fuck me my King" I moan as I rock up and down

His hot breath on my neck

"Say it again" he says smiling wickedly up at me as he thrusts, the tension in my body building

I smile back at him wanting to please him, needing to please him

I feel a tension that takes my breath away. I close my eyes so I can focus on it

Don't stop, not yet

"My King" "Alexander my King!" I shout out as I cum

Alexander moans as he begins to thrust harder I can feel his cock getting bigger, harder

He grunts as he cum's

"The gods have blessed me with you Hephaestion"

"My dear, dear Hephaestion" he whispers as he releases me back to the ground

Pulling down my chiton, kissing my face

"Don't ever leave me Phai, I could not survive without you" he tells me

My heart skips a beat

It was late in the evening as I walked into the center of the palace, the festivities were already in full effect with everyone drinking and dancing and fucking.

Alexander was watching a wrestling match between Cassander and Crateros.

The other generals were yelling and betting on who would win the match.

Alexander had noticed my entrance and was beckoning me over.

"Hephaistion, there you are, come here, you were always a great wrestler you should wrestle the winner" exclaimed Alexander.

Bagoas was standing behind his chair with his hands on Alexander's shoulders.

I felt my blood boil at his closeness.

I nodded at my king and prepared myself for the next match, hoping Cassander would win so I might have the opportunity to wrestle him.

He was one of my hecklers often starting the abuse.

His hatred for me was known by all

It was to be my lucky night as Cassander pinned Crateros and was claimed the winner.

I entered the arena.

Alexander

I sit with Ptolemy

Watching as Hephaistion enters the ring.

Cassander takes the first move.

"Alexander may I be honest with you" Ptolemy inquired.

"I would hope you were always honest with me Ptolemy" I huff

"Hephaistion? Do you grow tired of him?"

"Tired of Hephaistion, Never, why do you ask such a thing."

"Well, you have your man servant; it seems that you might now let Hephaistion go, find his own lover. There are many men who would gladly take your place."

I watch as Hephaistion wrestles his way from under Cassander's grip

Pinning him down for the win

I glance around the growing circle of men

The look of lust on many faces

I notice's that Hephaistions chiton is high on his thighs

Exposing his shapely buttocks

"Phai is mine and mine alone; do the men think that my interest has waned?" I ask

"Yes, there is talk; of course no one would dare touch him until they were sure you had moved on." Ptolemy assured.

"Then I must extinguish their hope on this matter immediately." I announce

I stand

Walking over to Hephaistion

I grab his arm lifting it

I proclaim him the winner

I pull him into my chest

Hugging him close I whisper "Come, with me"

Hephaistion smiled.

I notice a slight bruise on his cheek

He must have gotten it during the wrestling match.

"Where to my King?" Hephaistion stated.

I led him over to a curtained off area situated near the wrestling arena

It was a small room sectioned off by thin cloth.

Candles have been left lit

They cast shadows of the people within the room.

I know that the men have seen me pull Hephaistion into the room.

"I have missed you" I whisper into Hephaistions ear

I kiss his neck and mouth.

Hephaistion is always willing

I kiss him deeply and run my hand up the back of his leg and buttocks.

I know Hephaistions body better than my own.

I pull off Hephaistions chiton and throw it in the corner

Kissing his neck and sucking on his earlobe

His body familiar, eager

I pull my own chiton off,

I come up behind Hephaistion

Making sure he is facing out towards the crowd.

I dip my hands in the oil left there by servants

Reaching one hand around his waist I take a hold of Hephaestion's cock

Stroking it at a slow pace

Taking my other hand I began to prepare him for my cock.

Hephaistion is leaning his head back onto my chest

His brilliant blue eyes closed blocking out the fact that the wrestling matches had ceased as now the men were watching the show behind the curtain.

I enter Hephaistion

Pushing in slowly

Pulling out half way

Pushing back in

Each time pulling Hephaistions cock in the same manner

He moans

He is speaking in Macedonian

"Faster my beloved"

"More" Hephaistion groaned.

I began to move faster

Grabbing his hips to control his movements

Digging my fingers into his flesh

Wanting to bruise him

Leave him marked.

Hephaistion takes his own cock in hand

I am pushing and pulling his hips

Driving him onto my cock

He moans

I encircle his waist with one arm

Pulling his face back with the other

I Whisper into his ear

"You are mine Phai, only I can give you this pleasure"

Alexander! Hephaistion yells out

He cum's his muscles contracting around my cock

Each spurt bringing forth my own climax

He relaxes up against me as I continue to thrust into him

Kissing his neck

Murmuring claims of never ending love

As I am cleaning up I notice Hephaistions forearm

There are small cuts, or slashes in a neat row from his elbow down to his wrist

Some already healing and leaving scars

Others looked fresh.

I grab his wrist

Pulling his arm so I might examine these cuts more closely

"What is this Hephaistion?" I ask

He yanks his arm back

Covering the cuts with his other hand

"They are nothing"

"Who did this to you" I demand

"No one Alexander"

He cannot look me in the eyes.

"Please Alex do not make a big deal of this" Hephaistions pleaded

"Is this because I have not spent time with you recently?"

"Are you trying to get my attention?"

"I will not have you manipulate me Hephaistion

"I will not allow you to make me feel guilty"

He can be tiresome

"NO, No Alexander" his face full of panic

He clutches the front of my chiton

His breath seemed labored.

"Shhhhhh Phai, I believe you."

I grab his hands and hold them

He is so needy lately

Only Hephaestion could ruin a good fuck

What the hell were those slashes from?

He has been nervous as of late

Hiding in his room

I do not have time for his insecurities'

I want to shake him scream at him to snap out of it

"Let's go out and enjoy the festivities" hoping it will calm him.

He looks relieved that I am ending the conversation

"I will get us some wine" he offers

I touch his face, nodding

Hephaistion

Alexander walks out and takes his place next to Ptolemy.

They began talking and then burst out laughing.

I walk over to where the wine was being served.

Clitus is standing near and smirks at me as I pour two glasses.

"Your little show has only made me want you more Hephaistion" Clitus snarled

"I have no idea what you are talking about Clitus can you just leave me alone for one night?" I exclaimed.

Clitus laughed evilly "faster my beloved" he says in the language of our birth.

I feel the blood leave my face

I looked around and see other knowing eyes on me.

I felt stupid for not knowing I was being watched.

I could feel the panic rising.

My most intimate moment saw by many.

I was humiliated.

I see Cassander off to the side with the others making a rude gesture, simulating a blow job.

The group all began to laugh.

I leave the wine and retreat into a dark corner making sure I was not followed by Clitus

Pulling out my knife

I had to stop

I could not

I will have to hide it better

I lifted my chiton cutting a deep line across my upper thigh, exhaling as I feel the pain and release.

The blood flowed down between my legs at a faster pace than I had anticipated.

The cut was deep I put my hand over the wound and feel the tension leave my body.

Holding tightly to the cut to slow the blood flow

It flowed out from between my fingers

I watch it

My heart slows

I feel almost giddy

I make my way to the outside area.

Grabbing some clay from the flowerbeds I pressed it into the wound to stop the bleeding and slowly make my way back.

I find the wine I had poured and make my way back to Alexander and safety.

Looking around I see Clitus staring at me but everyone else seemed occupied now by other entertainment.

I sit on the couch next to Ptolemy and Alexander.

Alexander encircled my waist and pulled me up against him.

I lay down under his arm closing my eyes wishing I was alone with him in his room.

I was a waken some time later by a smack on the ass from a now drunk Alexander.

Alerting me that the party had now dwindled down and I can go to my room to sleep.

Alexander has his arm around Bagoas who looks as if he is trying to hold him upright.

I was glad Alexander's attention was on Bagoas now.

He could be too rough for my tastes when he was drunk and would rather he seek out comfort from Bagoas during these times which seemed lately all too often.

I decided to go to the baths then, since everyone else were most likely sleeping off their drink. The baths were empty as I suspected and I removed my clothes and looked down at myself

The cut on my thigh had stopped bleeding and formed a scab.

My hips were bruised where Alexander had anchored himself to me during our earlier encounter.

Shame floods me

My left arm where I had been cutting myself looked somewhat gruesome in the light of the baths.

How stupid of me to not think anyone would notice.

It was a wonder Alexander looked at me at all.

Knowing I also have a bruise healing on my cheek from the backhand of Clitus after I had attempted earlier that week to punch him in the face for some comment or another.

It was probably a good thing that Alexander did not have the time for me.

I stepped into the water walking out until the water reaches my waist and then dive under.

It feels good on my aching muscles.

It had been a while since I had wrestled and Cassander was an equal opponent.

I swim up to the steps and sit on them to relax

Let the water surround me.

I leaned my head back with my eyes closed

"Would you like some company?" Clitus's voice sounded loud in the empty baths and startled me.

I regained my composure quickly not wanting to give Clitus the satisfaction.

My heart is pounding and my sense of fight or flight is activated.

"No, I came here at this time so I could be alone Clitus. Why are you not sleeping like the rest? I said in the calmest voice I could muster.

"I doubt your Alexander is sleeping, he is probably fucking his eunuch as we speak."Clitus spat.

"Your undivided love for Alexander mystifies me, since he in no way shows you the same devotion." Clitus informed me.

"Take tonight for instance, you must know that Alexander purposely fucked you to prove to his Generals that he could have more than one lover at a time, why else do you think he took you to the partitions and not to his room, He knew we could all see, you might as well have been fucked on the wrestling match floor."

I needed to leave.

I did not want to hear anymore from Clitus.

I slowly walk out of the pool knowing that Clitus was eyeing my naked body.

He purposely stood by my chiton.

I had forgotten to grab a towel and there were no servants awake.

I reached for my chiton hanging on a peg. Clitus grabs my wrist and turns it so he could examine my cuts.

I try to pull my hand back but he holds tight.

"What is this?" Clitus questioned

I do not know what he wants me to say,

He had put doubt in my mind about Alexander's motives and now he was asking me to confide in him.

I could feel myself begin to panic my heart racing

Pounding out of my chest

Am I going to die?

Here and now naked in front of Clitus?

I couldn't catch my breath;

This is what it must feel like right before you die.

I began to shake uncontrollably, gasping for air.

Clitus has a look of shock on his face as he watches me dying.

He still has a hold of my wrist and pulls me towards him.

He throws me over his shoulder and carries me out of the pool area.

Rushing down the hall to my room where he would no doubt rape me before I died.

I struggled lamely at this thought.

Clitus enters my room and throws me onto my bed grabbing the covers and folding them around me.

He placed his hands on my shoulders shaking me.

"Hephaistion!" Clitus shouted "Breath slowly" he ordered.

Taking a deep breath then blowing slowly out, repeating this until I began to follow suit.

We breathed in unison until I am no longer feeling the panic that had taken over me.

"My chiton is still at the pool" I said weakly.

What I was really concerned about was my special knife I had found it at the market in Babylon.

"Damn you Hephaistion, who gives a shit, what the Hades was that!" Clitus bellowed.

I had never seen Clitus so out of sorts, he was a seasoned warrior that did not show emotion it was the one thing I admired about him.

"I am going for Alexander" Clitus declared.

"No!" I shouted sitting up from my blanket cocoon.

"I am fine now, there is no need" I grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving the edge of the bed.

"Thank you Clitus, I am fine now"

I unfolded myself from the blankets and stood up, going towards my clothes chest I grabbed a chiton and pulled it over my head and began walking towards the door hoping Clitus would follow which he does.

"Are you going somewhere?" Clitus asked

"Yes, I need my things from the baths" I stated as I was walking towards the door.

"I will get them for you, Please go back to bed, It is too late, and I am too tired to witness another episode or whatever you want to call what just happened" Clitus said with exasperation.

I ignored him and continued to exit my room.

Clitus grab's my upper arm and pulls me back into my room, with his face inches from my own he growled

"Hephaistion, I will get your damn stuff, if you try to leave I will tie you to the bed"

I rolled my eyes and go back into my room. Sitting at the edge of the bed I stare at Clitus.

"Well?" I asked.

Clitus lets out a breath and stomps from the room.

I wait.

I needed that knife just having it with me gives me strength, makes me feel safe.

It seemed forever before Clitus returns throwing the chiton in my face he stands there watching me as I feel around for my blade.

"Are you looking for this?" Clitus asked holding the small jeweled knife in his hand.

"Give it to me Clitus" I said in a menacing voice.

"The blade is too small for protection Hephaistion" Clitus claimed as he examined it, pulling off the cover.

"This would only cut the skin it is not long enough to kill a man."

I could almost see the smoke coming out of Clitus's head as he tries to figure out the reason for such a knife.

I watch as he looks at me his eyes traveling to my arm.

I instinctually covered my cuts with my other hand giving myself away.

Clitus walks over to me, taking the arm that was layered in cuts, staring at them.

He runs a finger over a vicious scar, my first cut.

He places the knife in my hand and walks out of the room.

I exhaled not realizing that I had been holding my breath.

I wonder what Clitus will do with this new found information about me.


	2. Chapter 2

I awoke sometime in the afternoon by the look of the sun.

My servant had brought me food some time earlier and even though it was cold I ate it

I had not eaten since early the day before and was starving.

I called the servant over telling him to go and bring me all the maps and scrolls from our last battle.

I had been contemplating organizing these items and figured it would keep me busy for some days keeping my mind off Alexander and Clitus.

As I went through the baskets of scrolls and maps I used any and all surfaces in my room to create piles. The bed was where I was placing the maps, my desk had different piles of notes and correspondences, the floor was covered with open scrolls waiting to be examined and placed in its appropriate pile.

Reading through the material and establishing a sensible way to organize them was time consuming but by day three I had a logical system going and was moving along quickly.

I had not been bothered by anyone and had not needed to cut myself, but I had not left my room either nor had anyone came to visit me.

By night fall of the third day as I was digging through drawers and baskets for extra candles to light so I might continue to work

My door opened with a rush sending papers closest to the door floating through the air.

I rushed to pick them up and put them back in their proper place looking to see who would barge in without knocking.

It was Alexander.

I smiled, wanting to show and tell him all that I had been doing.

"Ahhh Alexander I am so glad you are here, look at what I have been doing, I think it will help us in our future endeavors." I exclaimed excitedly.

Alexander looked around my room it was a mess for sure but organizing always starts off in utter chaos.

"This is why I have not seen you in three days?" Alexander slurred.

I could smell the wine and see that he was drunk.

"I thought…." I began to explain myself

Alexander walked through the papers on the floor stepping on them and sending them about.

He grabbed me around the waist and began kissing me, pulling my chiton up and fondling my buttocks.

I pushed him away angrily.

"Alexander I have been working on this for many days, be careful where you step" I cried in frustration.

"I have not seen you in days, you do not even ask me how I am doing, and you think you can just come here and I will let you fuck me?"

I was so angry at his audacity and not prepared for the direct punch to the cheek just below my eye.

I stumbled backwards falling against my desk sending the paper piles down in an avalanche. Alexander takes a step towards me taking my chiton by the hem

Pulling it up over my head

He grabs my hips and lifts me up

Slamming me down on to the desk in a sitting position

Sending even more papers flying off the desk

Pulling my legs apart to position himself between them, he brutally pulls my head back by my hair and begins kissing me again.

I again shove at him trying to push him away from me

Leaning back so I might kick at him

This only giving him the opportunity to yank my legs sending me backwards as the back of my head hits the table.

"Stop Alexander, Wait" I cry out.

He is leaning over me now with one hand on my face keeping me from sitting up the other hand is forcing his cock into me.

I am pushing his shoulders up and away from me as he tries to enter me.

He grabs my thighs and pulls me down towards the edge of the desk feeling the wood scratch my spine.

Pushing my thighs up against my chest he enters me with no preparation causing me to yell out. As he continues to pound into me I can feel my spine moving back and forth across the rough wood.

I continue to struggle and I am again punched in the face.

He pulls out then grabbing my legs and twisting me so that I lay face down on the table

Holding me down by the back of my neck

He enters me again causing me to yelp, tears and blood are flowing down my face onto the papers.

He pulls me up by my throat and whispers in my ear.

"Shhhh Relax phai, it will only hurt more if you struggle"

He is right and I go limp, letting him finish.

We are both quiet as he cleans himself off

I am standing, holding myself up by leaning against the desk.

My back is burning from the friction of the wood and my cheek is cut and swollen from one of the many rings Alexander wears.

I can taste blood from my broken lip.

Alexander gives me a sideways look.

"Why do you make me have to force you Hephaistion?" he asks his voice full of guilt.

Alexander's violence towards me seeming to increase with each passing day

He has always used sex against me either withholding it or forcing it

"We are having a meeting with all the Generals tomorrow you need to be there" he informs me as he walks out of my chambers.

I look around the room, all my hard work scattered.

My head is screaming, my body aching.

I begin to laugh

I think to myself here I was so scared of being raped by my fellow generals when in reality it was Alexander who would rape me.

What did I do?

Why would he do this to me?

My laughter now turning to sobs.

I drop to my knees, grabbing for my chiton crumpled on the ground

I feel around for my knife

I find it and slash my thigh feeling the sharp pain

It overshadows all my other aches and pains.

I lay down among the papers drawing my knees up towards myself watching the blood drip down from my thigh onto the floor.

It is morning and I must get ready for the meeting.

I wash myself from the bowl brought to my room by my servant not wanting to go to the public baths.

I dress in Persian garb, a tunic and pants hiding my arms and legs.

My cheek is black and blue with a gash in the center and my bottom lip is split making it difficult to drink or eat anything.

I sit on the edge of my bed

My room is in shambles maps and papers everywhere.

I fondle my little knife poking each finger tip with the blade testing its sharpness.

I am startled by a knock at my door

I put the knife away in my waist band and get up to answer the door.

Clitus is standing there seeming as big as the doorway. He looks me up and down.

"I am here to escort you to the meeting" he claims.

"I know where the meeting is at Clitus, I do not need an escort" I inform him as I continue to stand in the doorway not letting him pass.

"What happened to your face?" he asks boldly

I smile which only breaks open my lip

I lick the blood away tilting my head to one side I give Clitus a questioning look

"Is there something wrong with my face?" I ask haughtily.

"Usually no, you are often very pleasant to look at"

If I was judging his reaction right Clitus almost looked bashful.

I have my hand high on the door and my other on my hip leaning somewhat staring at Clitus in a new light.

Maybe he was not the Ass I thought he was?

He pushes pass me

"You probably deserved it with your smart mouth"

Ahhhh there he is, the Clitus I know so well.

I spin towards the room shutting the door behind me.

"Yes, yes I did deserve it" I say this more to myself, trying to prepare myself for when I see Alexander.

Fighting with Alexander only make things worse for me

I am convinced that I deserved it.

I should not have denied Alexander

I look up as I almost walk into Clitus's chest.

He grabs my chin pulling my face upward

"Those are pretty hard hits you took, not deserving of a smart mouth" he said softly letting my chin go he looks around the room.

"What the Hades happened here?"

"I'm organizing" I state bluntly hoping he leaves it alone.

"This is your idea of organizing?" He has a questioning look on his face, shaking his head.

He begins to walk back towards the door.

"Are you ready to go?" Clitus barked

I walk to the door and step into the thresh hold, hands on either side of the door.

I stop. My heart is starting to race.

Clitus is waiting for me just outside the door.

I look up at him, knowing that the panic is registering on my face.

I feel along my waist band for my knife, stepping back away from the door as I begin to shut it.

"Just give me a couple of minutes alone Clitus, I will be out in a minute" I stammer.

Just one little slash and I will be able to do it.

It will release the tension and then I can face Alexander.

Clitus will not allow this, he burst through the door and I drop my knife.

"Leave It!" Clitus howls.

He grabs my upper arm and yanks me out the door.

He takes me by my shoulders and shakes me roughly.

"You must do this" Clitus hisses in my face as he slams the door shut and yank's me down the hall way.

The anger I feel at that moment was phenomenal,

I am sick and tired of being manhandled,

Too many occurrences in too short a period of time

I yanked my arm free from Clitus's grip and jumping in front of him I push his chest backwards. "Get away from me" I hissed at him.

Within seconds I am in a headlock face down.

He chokes me for a second until he see's blood dripping down from my re-opened lip.

Clitus yanks me to my feet and pushes me forward

"Go on then" he spats

I walk down the hall sucking on my lip to stop the bleeding.

I enter the meeting room.

I walk through the room nodding at the men already there until I reach the back.

I lean up against the wall, not wanting to have to sit, not really able to sit.

The men are all questioning my battered face, but I give them no answer. It is none of their business.

Clitus sits at the table facing me, watching me.

Alexander arrives

Alexander

My head is pounding from the many drinks the night before.

I also feel a slight bit of shame for my treatment of Hephaistion.

I see him standing in the back of the room leaning against the wall, his face bruised and lip swollen.

He is wearing Persian garb which suits him.

Even with his battered face I would fuck him on the spot.

From the moment we met, I have wanted him.

He made me wait two years before I could claim him.

Taking that time to build what I could only suspect as a true friendship.

Now at the age of 20 I am overwhelmed by my responsibilities as a King. Trying to divide my time between all my commitments was becoming increasingly difficult.

The drink at the end of my days helped to relax me, but also seemed to bring out my father in me.

I glance again at Hephaistion.

I was surrounded by people ready and willing to do as I bid, all except for Hephaistion.

He had always given me shit, calling me out on my bad behavior, encouraging me when I was doubtful, believing in me whole heartedly.

I am overcome with guilt and do not glance at him again.

I discuss with the generals our next move, we must find Darius

Many of the men want to let Darius go

They feel that we have accomplished enough, that we should go home.

I dismiss this quickly no if he is alive he can be obeyed

We forge ahead a plan.

Debating and discussing what will come next, when we will leave. The route we will take and the potential forces we will come up against.

By nightfall we are exhausted and ready to relax.

The men begin to file out of the room talking of food and women and drink.

Hephaistion walks past me on his way out. I stop him. "May I speak with you a moment?" I ask tentatively.

I do not want bad blood between us

"Of course, my King" he reply's we wait till the room is empty.

I notice Clitus lingering by the door, when he sees me looking he walks off.

I turn to Hephaistion and touch his bruised cheek and lip "Does it hurt much?" I ask

"Only when I smile" Hephaistion informs me.

"That's too bad, your smile is to die for" I flirt

"I did not mean for our night together to go that way, if I had not drank so much It would not have" I begin trying to apologize without taking all the blame.

"I know" Hephaistion does not look me in the eyes when he says this.

I feel a rush to defend myself

"I am trying Hephaistion I have only small amounts of time I can devote to you"

"You are being selfish Hephaistion"

Hephaistion looks at me, I can see anger in his eyes, he looks away.

"What Hephaistion! Say what you want to say!" I exclaim.

"It is not about your time Alexander!"

"I know you have responsibilities and pressures but you do not see or you do not want to see that I too have pressures that are overwhelming me, that you can get comfort from others while I sit alone with mine, that your world is getting bigger while mine shrinks!" Hephaistion is almost panting with anger. His lip is bleeding and I reach up to wipe the blood off his chin.

He cringes away from my hand.

"I was not going to hit you Hephaistion" I say defeated, knowing that my abuse last night has brought on his reaction.

I pull him towards me, hugging him, stroking his hair.

"I am sorry Hephaistion" it is all I can say.

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	3. Chapter 3

Hephaistion

I feel hot and sore after the meeting and decide to take a proper bath before going to the festivities tonight.

I remember to grab a towel from my room and make my way to the baths.

I know that nothing has been resolved by my talk with Alexander but I feel better anyways. At least I know that things will remain the same between us, that he had not decided to abandon me. The baths were busy as many were preparing themselves for the nightly festivities.

At the far end of the bath sat Clitus, Cassander, Perdiccas, and Crateros

They are playing dice and soaking in the bath.

I contemplate leaving not wanting to deal with them individually let alone when they were in a pack.

My body reacts to the sight of them; my heart races, my hands tremble slightly.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated by my own lack of control over my body.

I cannot let them see how their presence affects me it will only encourage them.

I take a deep breath in and slowly exhale, learning from my episode with Clitus

Willing my heart to slow down

I walk over to the benches running along the walls of the bath house.

I remove my sandals, and pull off the trousers under my tunic.

Deep breath in, exhaling slowly

I pull the tunic up over my head and hang in on the peg.

I feel a hand on my bruised hip, pinching the tender spot.

Fingers run down my spine lingering on each of the scabs that had formed from the back and forth movement on my wooden desk.

"Looks like someone got fucked good and proper last night" Cassander hissed in my ear.

"Don't touch me Cassander" I growled. I spin around to face him.

"Ahhh but I would never damage your face like that" Cassander says as he reaches out to touch my cheek.

I slap his hand away and walk towards the other end of the pool, trying to get far away from the pack of wolves.

I immerse myself in the water and sit at the far end of the bath.

Cassander follows me in and the others all but Clitus, swim over to me.

"I will have to remember you like it rough when it is my turn with you" Cassander snickers.

"It will never be "Your turn" Cassander"

"I will throw myself onto a spike before I ever fuck the likes of you" I state calmly keeping my eyes closed and my head resting on the edge of the bath.

"Hear that Cassander, Hephaistion would rather die a most gruesome death, than fuck you" Crateros laughs out loud.

"Were you and the other whores talking about what a bad fuck Cassander is?" Perdiccas adds.

"If I am a whore, at least I am the Kings whore

The lot of you would trade places with me in a minute if he would have you" I state nonchalantly.

Cassander leans close I can feel his breath on my face.

"Be mindful of what you say pretty Hephaistion, from the looks of you he's almost done with you" Cassander jeer's at me.

Deep breath in, exhale slowly

"Alexander and I are fine Cassander, and I do like it rough." I smirk.

Opening my eyes I challenge Cassander.

Cassander smacks me on the side of the head.

I jump up lunging at him.

He backs up and is suddenly pulled from the bath by his arm.

I grab a hold of his legs trying to pull him back in and I am grabbed by Crateros and Perdiccas.

"That is enough" Clitus roared.

I thrash about until Crateros and Perdiccas let me go and walk up the steps to my towel.

Clitus is holding on to a wet, slippery, naked Cassander

"What the fuck Clitus, let us have our fun" Cassander bellows

Breaking free from Clitus and walking over to his own towel.

"Come on then, let's get some wine already" Cassander motion's to Crateros and Perdiccas who follow Cassander out of the bath area.

Clitus looks over at me as I am drying myself off

I see his eyes travel to my arms, inspecting me for any new cuts.

"Smart mouth" he says under his breath and walks out.

I finish drying myself off and wrapping the towel around my waist

I walk to my room.

I feel energized, wide awake.

I get dress and walk over to the festivities.

I play a game of dice with Ptolemy and watch the exotic dancing of the Persian women I am having a good time, talking with Alexander and Ptolemy.

I even joke with Clitus about the pool incident.

As the morning comes I am still not feeling tired.

I go to my room and start organizing the maps and things again, this time using rocks to keep the papers from moving anywhere.

I sleep for an hour or two.

My mind is going a mile a minute, I am thinking about all we have to do to be ready for our next invasion.

This energy lasts for about a week, I accomplish many things.

Alexander comes to my room and I show him the system for organizing our maps and correspondences.

He is impressed by my efforts and we fuck passionately.

I do not cut myself or have any panic for over a week.

I am relieved and figure myself cured.

Alexander

I am told by Ptolemy and Clitus that Hephaistion is acting strange.

They tell me he is not sleeping or eating and that he is looking thin.

"What do you mean strange?" I inquire.

"He is talking non-stop which we all know is very unlike Hephaistion" Clitus starts.

"It seems as if he is not bathing or changing his clothes" Ptolemy adds.

"I think he is cutting himself?" Clitus states this as a question looking at me to see if I know.

I put my head in my hands.

"Well? What should we do then?" I asked exasperated.

"We can give him a bath and give him some opium. Once he sleeps he will be better." Ptolemy states in an unquestionable manner.

"Alright then, go to him now and tell him I want to see him, I will bathe him here and give him the opium.

"Of Course" they both say in unison.

An hour later I hear a commotion outside my door.

I hear Hephaistion screaming and open the door to Clitus with Hephaistion over his shoulder

He burst through the door.

"Where do you want him?" Clitus barks.

"What the Hades is going on!" I exclaim.

Clitus places Hephaistion onto his feet but continues to hold on to him in a bear hug pinning his arms down to his sides.

I am shocked by how he looks, it has only been a couple of days since I saw him last but he looks noticeably thinner.

His hair is in twisted ropes there is a wild look in his eyes.

He is struggling to free himself from Clitus's grip; he is panting and howling to be released.

"What happened" I exclaim

"He thinks we were sent to kill him" Clitus informs me.

"I don't think he knows who we are" Ptolemy adds sadly.

I go near him saying his name softly.

"Hephaistion, it is I Alexander" I brush the hair from his face.

"Hephaistion, my love please calm down, you are safe now."

His eyes finally focus on me, he can see me.

"Alexander" he sobs's and goes limp in Clitus's arms.

I continue to talk softly, indicating to Clitus to help me remove his clothes.

They are dirty and wrinkled.

"Hephaistion let's take a bath together" I suggest softly.

We remove his clothes.

You could still see where he had had scabs on his back, pink circles in a row down his spine. His arm was healed now no new cuts but there were scars.

I notice slashes on his thigh. He had not stopped he just picked a new location.

I step in the bath and pull Hephaistion along with me.

He follows me, trusting me, he is calm now.

I sit and pull Hephaistion towards me, he sits between my legs and leans back against me.

I hug him to me, I am beyond worried.

I have never seen Hephaistion act this way.

I whisper in his ear, how much I love him, how I could not survive without him.

Bagoas enters the room with the Opium drink.

I motion him over and he kneels by the edge of the bath.

It takes a moment for Bagoas presence to register but once it does Hephaistion goes mad.

"I will not drink that from him" he screams

"He is trying to kill me Alexander! Can't you see" he jumps up from my arms and scrambles to get out of the bath.

Clitus is there pushing him back.

I take the drink from Bagoas and shoo him away.

Clitus is now standing in the bath with all his clothes on holding Hephaistion again in a bear hug.

I call out his name

"Hephaistion please drink this for me my love, it will make you feel better. Drink it for me my love" I repeat again and again until his eyes focus on me and he sees me.

I put the cup to his lips and he takes a drink.

"Drink all of it my love" "that's good" I murmur to him.

He finishes the drink and we again sit down in the bath, him between my legs

I wash him.

Pouring water over his hair I wash it.

I wash his body and face.

His eyes become hooded and he is slipping down from my grasp, the opium taking effect.

Clitus again enters the bath fully clothed and picks Hephaistion up out of the bath holding him to his chest his head resting on his shoulder.

I follow them out and we wrap a towel around him and put him onto my bed.

I pour myself and Clitus and Ptolemy a drink. Drinking mine quickly and pouring myself another.

"How did I not see" I cry out tears are running down my cheeks and I am overcome with the feeling of helplessness.

"It came on very quickly my lord". states Clitus.

"Did it" I question

"I noticed the cuts on his arms weeks ago and ignored it, maybe if I had asked him, maybe if I would have spent more time with him, maybe…" I trail off

I sit and put my head in my hands and begin to sob uncontrollably

Ptolemy puts his hands on my shoulders "Alexander, let's see how he is doing tomorrow…"

Hephaistion

I wake up in Alexander's bed. It is night time and I have a pounding headache.

I feel Alexander's arms around me holding me to him.

I snuggle closer.

Alexander sits up on his elbow and leans over me.

"Phai?" Are you hungry? Thirsty? How do you feel?" He rambles

I feel deeply and utterly despondent.

I tuck my face down into the covers hiding myself from Alexander.

"Phai, What can I do?" He sounds desperate

"Please tell me, talk to me" he begs.

His concern and my hopeless feelings cause me to cry

I do not understand why I am feeling this way as if death would be a relief.

Alexander pulls the covers off my face and brushes the hair away, holding my face in his hands. He kisses my tears and mouth pulling me up and over so that I am now laying face down in his lap.

He strokes my hair.

I hear his door open and the voices of Clitus and Ptolemy.

"How is he?" Ptolemy asks

"He is not as he was last night" Alexander tells them "But better, NO!"

"He has slept for over 12 hours, and can only cry now that he is awake" Alexander continues to inform.

It is as if I am not even there and I do not care.

Maybe I will fade away, just slowly disappear.

"Has he eaten anything?" Clitus asks

"I cannot eat" I whisper only to see if they can hear me.

This seems to spark some hope in Alexander as he pulls himself out from under me, jumping out of the bed.

"He needs to eat" he proclaims

I pull the covers around me trying to bury myself,

I now wish that they would all leave, go away and leave me be

Alexander orders a servant to bring food

I hear the pouring of wine and Ptolemy and Alexander speaking in a whisper.

I cannot hear what they are saying and neither do I care.

I feel someone sit on the edge of the bed.

"Hephaestion, can you sit up?" Please sit up for us, you are worrying Alexander to no end." Clitus informs me

"Food will be here soon, you will eat and feel better I am sure of it." Clitus continues.

I begin to cry again,

I cannot help myself

I will myself to stop, don't be an infant you are a General but still I cannot stop it from happening.

It is too much for me the talking, the light, the impending knowledge that they will all try to get me to eat.

Alexander rushes over laying next to me he turns me to face him.

"What is it Phai? I will do anything for you"

"Please can it not be just us?" I beg

"Leave us" he commands, not even getting up from the bed.

I see the worry in his face he looks like he has not slept in days.

The room is empty now.

I kiss him softly at first, then more desperate.

I want to feel something besides this utter sadness and hopelessness.

He breaks the kiss and looks at me. "Phai?" he whispers.

"I need you" I wrap my arms around him and pull myself up to his lips and kiss him again knowing that he sees my tears, but not wanting him to stop.

He moans and begins to touch me

Gliding his hands up the sides of my torso, pulling my head back by my hair he kisses my neck up to my face licking up my neck behind my ear

I hear him panting.

I am grabbing his ass and pulling him closer

I need him closer, inside me filling me up and pushing out the sadness.

He kisses my bellybutton

Kissing kissing biting kissing

Down to my thighs

It feels good

The bites startle me every time.

I cannot focus

Establish a pattern.

He knows what I need and takes my cock in his hand

Nothing…

I open my eyes and look down at Alexander

He is smiling with his wicked smile.

I snort

He puts the tip of my cock up to his mouth still smiling and licks at the tip

Rubbing it on his tongue

I lean my head back

I know what will come next, the anticipation is astounding.

He sucks on the tip a quick suction

His mouth makes a popping noise

The sound and the feeling go hand in hand

I pant a little.

He is kneeling by my knees sucking on my cock holding on to my hips whenever I would buck. I hold on to the head of the bed. Enjoying every minute of it

If I could stay here

Right here

Feeling this

This is where I want to be, right here, doing this

I feel my nuts tighten up and now my full attention is on what is being done to my cock.

He puts two fingers just inside my ass and I feel my body go to a heightened since of anticipation

My breath hitches.

He goes deeper

Pulls out slowly

Goes deeper still

Building speed as he takes my cock deep into his throat gagging

I hold on…, hold on…, hold…,

A little cum escapes and then I give in whole heartily grabbing Alexander's head taking a fistful of hair.

I grunt like a dog.

Alexander swallows wipes his mouth and lunges at me laughing

I cannot help but smile.

He nuzzles my neck, straddling me

"Now it's my turn" he pounds his chest like a monkey.

I roll my eyes and he flips me over pulling me up on my hands and knees.

He leans over me to grab the oil by the bedside, smacking me with his cock like a sword.

He is an idiot, and I laugh out loud.

Coating himself with oil he rubs his hands together and claps them as he come up behind me

He rubs my asshole with his thumb

He licks my asshole and then rubs it again with his thumb

Going farther in with his thumb each time

I lean back telling him I am ready.

He puts the tip of his cock in pushing a little

He pulls out and puts in two fingers,

His cock a little farther,

Three fingers,

Each time getting closer and closer to the spot that makes my toes curl.

I lean forward going down onto my elbows

I am moaning in rhythm to Alexander's thrusts.

He takes a hold of my hips pulling me towards him as he thrusts and each time he hits the spot.

I put my arms down and back and lean on my forehead

He goes faster getting ready to cum, my body sparking…

He yells out my name as he cum's 'HEPHAESTION"

He lays on top of me his weight causing my knees to slowly unbend until he is laying a crossed my back.

"I can't breathe Alex" I say with my last breath

Alexander laughs and rolls off me laying on his side facing me

He slaps my hip.

I lay face down with my arms tucked in and turn my head away from Alexander.

"Are we not well?" Alexander asks with fear in his voice

I turn my face towards him

I love him with all my heart, soul and body I could not shatter him.

"I am better" I smile "I feel a little better"

We smile at each other.

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	4. Chapter 4

We will soon be leaving here heading into Northeast Persia to find Darius

Alexander's ambition is enormous.

He is focused and confident

Arrogant

My neediness is becoming tiresome to him. I can see it in his face.

He has spent a few nights with Bagoas leaving me alone with my rejection.

I will not mention it, what is there to say?

Don't go

Stay with me

Choose me.

I have some honor or maybe I am just too tired to fight with him

Either take what he gives, or leave.

I could not leave.

He would have no one he could trust if I was gone.

I am the other Alexander, I am Alexander the not so great, the worrier, the planner I am everything Alexander could not be if he were to be King.

Most carry these fears within themselves and it keeps them from accomplishing great things.

But some, a small few, can give them to another, and it frees them to do things they were destined to do.

I am feeling somewhat better

Pretending to be happy helps to not feel despair.

While Alexander spent his time with Bagoas I worked on the mats that had formed in my hair

I could not get through them so I ended up cutting them out. It would be too difficult to have them under a helmet they had to be taken short giving me a strange look short all around with a long piece in the front that I was tucking behind my ears.

It felt strange but good to be able to run my hands threw it.

I hope that Alexander will not be repulsed.

Alexander

As I walked back to my room after spending some time with Bagoas, I know I will have to deal with Hephestion

I might be walking into him being hysterical

He has been having difficultly handling his moods recently.

I am pissed that I even have to worry about it.

I am King.

Son of Zeus for god's sake

I am not expected to be faithful.

My time with Bagoas did not take away any feelings for Phai,

It was different and I wanted that right now.

I open my door with anticipation for what scene was behind it and find Hephaestion standing at the balcony reading

I stop, he looks different.

He has cropped his hair

It looks choppy and exposes his neck.

A long strand hangs over his close set brilliant blue eyes.

He takes his hand and runs it up the back of his head looking sheepish.

I get an instant hard on.

Holy Hades, he looks hot.

I walk over and run my hands through it myself, it feels soft and clean, brushing the long strands out of his eyes

I grab a hold of the hair at his crown and pull his head back and kiss his neck.

He pushes me away

I am a little drunk and have a raging hard on.

I shove him up against the balcony pulling his head towards my chest, rubbing it on my bare chest.

Pushing him back I kiss him roughly, and bite his neck.

Hephaestion god how you make me crazy,

He looks younger like when we were boys and I want him badly.

I will not take no for an answer.

He seems to understand this and allows me to push him down on to his knees

I pull my cock out and he takes it.

I rake my fingers through his hair holding his head still as I shove my cock deep down his throat.

I hold it there until I hear him gagging,

I lean my head back allowing Hephestion to continue, every couple of minutes holding his head so I can shove my cock deeper down his throat.

It feels unbelievably good.

I could almost cum right then.

I grab the base of my cock to stop myself, yanking it from Hephaestion's mouth.

He stands and his hair is messy and sticking up where I had been grabbing it.

I take hold of his upper arm roughly and direct him over to the bed.

My roughness mostly from passion and wine, for there is no need to force him, he is willing.

He is wearing only Persian style pants and his own erection is noticeable.

I yank them off and shove him onto the bed on his back.

I bite the inside of his thigh leaving a mark with my teeth. I bite the other thigh.

They will bruise.

"Move back" I growl at him, he rolls over to crawl farther on to the bed

I grab the oil and coat myself as I crawl after him.

Taking him by the waist I pull him back onto my cock, we are both kneeling his feet between my legs, I have both my arms around his waist and my cheek against the back of his neck as I slowly thrust into him.

Whispering into his ear "My Phai"

I moan over and over picking up speed.

Hephaestion is stroking himself and I feel him tighten around my cock as he cum's nudging my own climax.

It was quick and good, not the welcome I was expecting, but Hephestion could always surprise me.

I leave the bed to clean up and look over at him.

"I cut my hair" he states

"Yes, I see that. I like it" I smile

I like it a lot.

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	5. Chapter 5

Hephaestion

We are to leave Babylon tomorrow, and continue our pursuit of Darius,

The festivities for our departure are on the grandest scale.

I have not socialized with any members of Alexander's close circle.

In fact they had seen so little of me some thought I had been killed by Alexander in a drunken rage.

I have only been seen at the meetings

I would come in late and stand in the back away from everyone, there was no need for me to speak at these meetings.

Whatever it was, I was with Alexander.

I would listen analyzing what the men were saying listening for side conversations.

Alexander and I would then discuss the alliances and who we needed to watch closely.

The men knew this and it put me in a dangerous situation.

It isolated me.

To Hades with all of them, I would rather be dead then without Alexander.

I wanted no other, no woman for sure.

In fact, I had never been with anyone else but Alexander.

I am ashamed of this.

I have had opportunities, but they never made me feel like I did when I was with Alexander. When I was with him, I felt that nervousness that you feel when you're attracted to a person and you want them to want you.

I feel exposed around Alexander.

I cut myself today, before going to the festivities.

I have too I had no other strategy for coping with this anxiety.

I had been carrying my knife in my waist band for over a day before I actually used it.

"Just this once, if there was ever a time I needed to do it, it was today" was my thought. Alexander had been at the festivities for hours already, I knew without a doubt that he was drunk now, that all the generals would be there, and that they would be drunk.

Wine brought out the aggressive in men, it muted the voice that told you "you cannot do that, you should not say that" it made men closer to their animal self, their instinctual side.

I never drank pure wine, only very watered down.

The memory of the one time I had drank pure wine was not forgotten for it was ugly.

I said horrible thing in front of many people

Alexander had to beat my ass black and blue.

I could not get out of bed for days.

It was agreed by both of us that I would not drink again. Not pure.

I did not like the feeling of loss of control I felt

I had control of so little as it was.

I had not gone with Alexander to the festivities, he went with Bagoas.

I did not mind.

It was boring to watch people get drunk

It is better to go when they are at the happy drunk stage and leave before it got to the angry fighting stage.

The thought of the crowds

The unpredictability that comes with excessive drinking

The anxiety

I sit on the balcony, looking out at the vast sky, trying to calm myself before I entered the social arena.

I take my knife and pulling my pants down to my knees.

Kneeling I cut into my thigh.

Sitting back onto my feet

It had been awhile

It felt good

I remembered why I did it.

I watched the blood flow out.

I closed my eyes so I could focus on the pain, the burning.

I put clay on it and wiped the blood off my leg

Pulling up my pants I walk to the hall.

As I enter the hall, I am there for only a minute it seems when Clitus walks up to me.

"I have been watching for you, I did not want you to enter alone." He informs me.

I realize now how wrongly I had judged Clitus.

"You look good, still too thin, but good, you will be joining the training sessions daily I am told, that should help put some weight on you."

"Your hair is… different " he states.

I have to laugh at this

I run my hand through my hair absent mindlessly.

"It is good to see you smile" he says as he claps me on the back.

We walk over to where Alexander and the others were collecting.

I can see Clitus looking down at me checking my body language and facial expression.

I feel ok and I am grateful that Clitus is with me.

As we get closer to the group it becomes clear that we are entering the happy stage of drinking.

I am hugged by many, slapped on the back and welcomed.

Alexander is next to me now and puts his arm around my neck and messes my hair laughing.

I am having a good time, we all are

Tomorrow morning we will leave this place.

As the night continues on and the drinking continues I feel the shift in energy.

This is when I like to take my leave

I look for Alexander.

Clitus has been near me the whole night watching over me.

Alexander is drunk and flirting with some of the dancers

I am hoping I can sneak out.

I tell Clitus that I am heading off, and to enjoy the rest of the festivities.

I have worked my way to the exit when Cassander comes out of nowhere.

"Where are you off to pretty Hephaestion" he slurs he is really drunk I can see it in his vacant eyes.

"We had all heard you had lost your mind" he chuckles drinking from his drink.

I do not respond to him and try to move past him and out the door.

"How dare you ignore me", he spat

He tries to stop me but stumbles and body slams me into the wall.

I push him off and away from me I am not alarmed, he is too drunk.

"Cassander go back to the party" "You don't want to miss all the fun do you?" I try to convince the drunkard.

His hatred for me is almost palpable.

"I do not take orders from a whore" he hisses in my face, spitting a little.

"It was not an order Cassander, it was a suggestion" I try to reason with him.

I figured I could out maneuver Cassander if need be

He was so drunk that his reactions will be slow.

He grabs me by my neck my chance to out maneuver him lost

He was quicker than I anticipated.

He is stronger than I and his drunken state makes him more determined.

I glance behind me, hoping Clitus has noticed that Cassander has followed me.

He could help me reason with him.

I do not see him.

This seems to only ignite Cassander anger.

He knees me in the crotch sending me forward as I grab myself. He pulls me by my hair farther down the hall away from view.

Throwing me down onto the ground he kicks me in the stomach and spits on me.

So close I had come to ending the night on a good note

"Get up" Cassander jeers. I slowly stand watching Cassander anticipating the next hit

I look behind him down the hall to my escape

My heart is pounding

The panic rising

This cannot happen now I must be able to control myself

How will I be able to protect Alexander in battle if I freak out over the slightest stress?

It seems as if I am the target of any anger or jealousy felt towards Alexander.

I am an easy target

I have no power

I am smaller in build than most

I am easily overpowered

I am more fragile of mind

I am easily hurt by words

I am quiet, reserved, some might say shy

As a child my older brother's were loved immensely by my father

They thought like him, acted like him, looked like him

Bigger build, stocky

I was teased as a child by my father and brothers

Called daughter, sister

I looked like my mother

She abandoned us at young age not being able to tolerate my father's temper

I keep one memory of her, I was 8 years

The night she left I had fallen asleep on the hay pile near the horses

I woke when she was readying the horse she was taking

She had held my face in her hands

"Take care, my dear Hephaestion" she had whispered

It was the voice I would hear when my father would beat me

I would go to it in my mind blocking out the pain

"Take care, my dear Hephaestion"

My father's anger at her for leaving was relieved by abusing me.

He would often beat me brutally, unprovoked, just my presence could send him into a rage

My brothers would have to pull him off me as he tried to smash out her memory from my face

"Take care, my dear"

This feeling of hatred from my father, the one person who should have to love me was detrimental to my feelings of self.

The abandonment from my mother the person who should have wanted to protect me

Why did she not take me with her?

It was the reason I would often think that no one could love me, if my own blood could not tolerate me

I was unlovable

Cassander had the look on his face my father often had

Distain, disappointment, disgust, drunkenness

My stomach lurches as memories of my father's face flood me

Alexander was the only person who did not look at me this way

He may sometimes have a look of anger

But never disgust

Never hatred

I was painfully shy as a child

My knowledge of the world was that you could trust no one

Every word, every gesture, was a precursor to pain

When I had been gratefully sent off to study with Aristotle I did not speak a word for the first week I was there

Afraid I might say the wrong thing

_Unlovable_

Alexander had told me that they had all thought I was acting stuck up

It had intrigued him

This quiet boy who did not speak

I had never had anyone care to listen

Alexander wanted to know what I thought

He would listen endlessly to my views on war, politics, and culture

It helped me find my voice

Alexander gave me confidence

I gave Alexander unconditional love

Cassander was moving towards me now

I backed up getting ready to fight

"What are you up to Cassander" Clitus's voice was menacing

Relief floods me at the sound of his voice

"Ha! Clitus just seeing our pretty Hephaestion off to bed" Cassander slurred stumbling back away from me.

"Hephaestion?"Clitus inquires

"I am fine Clitus" I tell him

Cassander snorts at this and begins to walk back towards the hall.

"Alexander was asking for you" Clitus informs me.

I nod and follow him out

"What was going on there?"Clitus asks

"Just Cassander being Cassander"

"You know Hephaestion if you were to tell Alexander what was going on he would have a better understanding of what happened last week"

"Are you talking about my breakdown?

"Yes Hephaestion, if that's what we're calling it now." Clitus says sarcastically

He stops and faces me

"Hephaestion, I am worried about you, I have seen friends go mad"

"Did I seem mad?" I ask

"You did not know who we were, you thought we were trying to kill you, you're cutting yourself" he exclaims exasperated with me.

"I AM NOT" I yell out

To quickly

Clitus grabs my arms pushing up my sleeves looking for fresh cuts

He grabs at my pants

He was actually going to pull my pants down in the middle of the hall!

Alexander saves me

"What's going on here" he demands

Clitus waits for me to explain

"I… wa- wa- was coming ba- ba- back to find you" I stammer

Another little quirk from my childhood

Stuttering

Alexander knows I am lying when I do this.

Clitus huffs and stomps off

"We will talk about this tomorrow as we travel Hephaestion, Mark my words"

"Go to bed now" Alexander commands

I nod and walk out relieved that I have some time to think about an answer.

Maybe Alexander will forget

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	6. Chapter 6

Alexander

It is early

We are moving out

We are all tired and still drunk

All except Hephaestion, I glare at him

He is in his armor, riding next to me

The helmet only draws attention to his blue eyes

He smiles at me and I can't remember why I am mad at him

Something happened last night that makes me mad at him today

Something…

We ride on in silence for a few miles

He is riding so close to me that his horse keeps bumping into mine

"Back off will you" I grumble at him

I am hung over

Hephaestion slows his horse down walking a few paces behind me

"Good Boy" I snarl

It sometimes feels good to be mean

When you know just where to dig the knife

I sometimes for no reason

Just stop talking to Hephaestion

I do it for days

Until he is so distraught he will do anything for me

Maybe I can get him to fuck me with Bagoas

I smile at the thought

It makes me horny

He is so tightly wound

That's why I needed Bagoas

He was easy

He never makes me feel guilty

Hephaestion rides up a head of me galloping over to the front of the line

He knows where we are going

He has the whole trip planned

He was good with that map shit

He looks good in his uniform

Hephaestion is a beautiful man

He was not womanly, but there was something about him that said dominate me

I think it is his eyes

They showed a deep hurt

A life of pain

Gods how I loved those eyes

I could share my hurt with him

Those eyes understood

My hatred for my father

How I only wanted his love

My love/hate relationship with my mother

Hephaestion understood all of it

I know a little of Phai's childhood

He does not like to speak of it

As children Hephaestion had horrible nightmares

He would scream out

Waking me from a dead of sleep

He would shake so bad I would have to hold him

I would whisper "Take care dear Hephaestion"

It would calm him

His father was a friend of my fathers

Cruel attracts cruel

It was my father that allowed for Hephaestion to study with Aristotle

I think he was hoping he could have his way with Hephaestion

He was a pretty boy

But as the fates would have it

I would claim him

When we met I had already slept with two women and one boy

He was young and shy

It took me 6 months just to get him to say anything that was not an answer to a question

Then I couldn't get him to shut up

He would babble on about everything

Things he had read

Places he wanted to see

Foreign lands

I liked the way he gestured as he spoke

The sound of his voice

I would listen and watch for hours

Stealing kisses in between breaths

Using my fingers as solders

Marching up his thighs

He would grab my hand, all frustrated

"Stop Alex!"

"Are you listening to me?"

"Did you hear what I said?" he would whine

I would repeat back to him the last thing he said

Sometimes verbatim

This always made him extremely happy

I could tell when his feelings for me changed

I could not touch him without him getting an erection

I would tease him

Standing innocently beside him

Touching his ass as he spoke with Aristotle

Running my fingers up the back of his leg

Under his chiton

Cupping a cheek

Bam he had an erection

His hands would automatically go there

Drawing attention

I can laugh just thinking about it

Aristotle would get all flustered sputtering and spitting

"Well that just natural for a boy your age"

Hephaestion had an old soul

He seemed older due to his melancholy

He was lean, tight, smaller framed

Broad shoulders, tiny waist

His hair was almost to his shoulders

All the older boys, me included had long hair

It was a dark brown

Black almost

The first time we slept together was an unexpected surprise

Hephaestion and I shared a room

I would make him sleep out in the hallway when I would bring someone to my bed

I could see the jealousy in his eyes

I was hoping it would spur him to consent

I was always trying to fuck Hephaestion

I would randomly kiss and fondle him to see his reaction

Not forcing myself onto him was a challenge

He was young and nervous I did not want to ruin him

It was a day just like any other

I watched him during class

He looked particularly good this day

He had twisted the sides of his hair off his face

He looked fuckable damn fuckable

I was to go down to the town whores that night

I decide to wait for Hephaestion to come out of the classroom

Fuck with him a little before I went

A little foreplay

I tell the other guys to go ahead without me I will meet up with them there

I lean against the wall waiting for him

Hephaestion was always nervous around me

Dropping his scrolls as he walks past me

I help him pick them up

I run my hand up his leg

Pushing him up against the wall

Kissing him

"What do you want me to do?" he whispers into my mouth

Is he saying what I think he is?

"You're not going to tell me no?" I ask him

"Tell me what to do" he whispers as he kisses me

I almost growl

I take him by the wrist and lead him back to our room

I am reminding myself to be gentle

I sit on the edge of the bed and pull him to me

Brushing the hair away from his face

Pulling his face down towards mine

Kissing his eyes

Kissing his mouth

Kissing his neck

He sighs

I run my hands up the back of his legs

Holding the back of his thighs pulling him to me

I want him badly

I pull off his chiton

Holding his hips I lead him back a bit taking his cock in my mouth

He cum's

I stifle a laugh

I still have a hard time

But Hephaestion reminds me how far I have come

He looks shattered

I laugh and pull him on top of me and then roll with him so I am on top

I kiss him passionately

"We are not finished" I inform him

I have a small vial of oil that I was going to use in town

I kiss his belly

Then back up to his lips kissing him until he gets another erection

I open the vial and begin to finger him

Getting him ready for me

Kissing his neck

Whispering "Phai my love"

It is the first time I call him that

"My Phai"

We are lying on our sides

I am behind him

I pull his body up against me

Taking my cock and gently pushing

Slowly… stop

Slow… stop

"Breath Hephaestion" I whisper in his ear

"Focus on how good it feels" I direct him

I feel his body relax a little and I begin to move

Hugging him to me

I move my hips

Back and forth

Slow

He relaxes a little more

I pump a little faster

I hear Hephaestion gasp

He moans and it sends me over the edge

I pump faster

Holding him tighter

He cries out

I feel a hot wetness on my arms

I cum with him

I hold him to me for a while kissing his neck

"Do you love me now Alexander?" he asks

"Yes"

"Yes I love you" I hug him to me

"My dear Phai"

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	7. Chapter 7

Hephaestion

As we settle camp

Alexander has not spoken with me about Clitus and our scuffle the night before

I am relieved

Our relationship is better on the road

He is more focused not as much free time

I have a purpose besides fucking Alexander

His control loosens

As I think back Alexander has always tried to control me

After we had begun sleeping together his controlling nature became more intense

Sex giving him a power over me that I did not understand

Our first time together

I had never felt such love

I had something with Alexander that no one else did

I felt special, wanted, loved

Alexander began allowing me into his inner circle of friends

Sitting with them as they discussed lessons and life

Alexander loved to test his limits with me

Pushing my boundaries

Telling me that if I loved him I would allow it

He had let me come along on one of their trips to the ruins where he and his friends would go to drink and talk

I was sitting in between Alexander's legs on some steps from the ruins

Alexander was running his hand up and down my thigh as he spoke

Telling the story of Hercules the mortal who became a god

I stopped his hand as he was giving me that tingly feeling that I felt when we had sex

I did not want to embarrass myself in front of these older boys, Alexander's friends

He wrapped his arm around my neck, my chin in his elbow pulling my head over to his knee he whispered into my ear

"Do not deny me Hephaestion you will regret it"

It was the first time he ever threatened me, telling me in no such terms that he could and would take it all away if I displeased him

I sat on my hands

He continued with his story and the rubbing of my thighs, kissing my neck

His friends were coming closer no longer occupied by their games watching Alexander fondle me

"Hephaestion loves this story, don't you Hephaestion?" Alexander smirks

I have an erection and his friends see it laughing

I try to stand so I might run off

Embarrassed

"Hold on their Hephaestion" Alexander grabs my wrist holding me there

"No need to waste that" Alexander winks at his friends and leads me off to the back of the ruins

I hear his friends laughing as I am pulled behind Alexander

I am angry

"Why did you do that Alexander?" I shout at him

"What are you talking about" Alexander sneers

"You were touching me like you do when we are alone Alexander, in front of your friends!"

"Why would you do that? Why would you want them to see us together like that?" I am crying now

Embarrassed

Alexander has a look of shock on his face

"I did not mean to hurt you Phai" he tells me as he kisses me

"I was just teasing you" he kisses me again

"Alexander I do not want them to see us together, can't that be just ours?" I ask

"Of course my dear Hephaestion" he whispers

Brushing the tears from my face

"You liked it though" he tells me as he continues to kiss me pushing me up against a stone wall

"When I touch you here" he runs his hands up and between my legs touching my balls

My breath quickens my erection answering for me

"How about when I touch you here" he asks as he kisses my neck and pulls on my cock

I nod my head as I inhale sharply

"Tell me sweet Hephaestion, do you like it?" he taunts me

Pulling on my cock rubbing the tip with his thumb

"Tell me you want me, tell me to fuck you"

Kissing me lifting me into his arms I wrap my legs around him he leans me against the stone wall

I blush as I say "Will you fuck me?"

He laughs "Say please fuck me my King"

"You are not King yet Alexander" I tell him defiantly

"Say it Hephaestion" he growls at me

He pushes into me, pain and pleasure

He sucks on my neck holding me up by his hands on my ass

Driving into me

"Fuck me my King" I moan as I rock up and down

His hot breath on my neck

"Say it again" he says smiling wickedly up at me as he thrusts, the tension in my body building

I smile back at him wanting to please him, needing to please him

I feel a tension that takes my breath away. I close my eyes so I can focus on it

Don't stop, not yet

"My King" "Alexander my King!" I shout out as I cum

Alexander moans as he begins to thrust harder I can feel his cock getting bigger, harder

He grunts as he cum's

"The gods have blessed me with you Hephaestion"

"My dear, dear Hephaestion" he whispers as he releases me back to the ground

Pulling down my chiton rubbing my ass kissing my face

"Don't ever leave me Phai, I could not survive without you" he tells me

My heart skips a beat

We have reached Balkh, Bactria

Darius is dead, killed by his own men

Alexander is in love with a woman

She reminds me of his mother

He is going to marry her

She is not Macedonian

This causes much grief among the men

The first wife should be Macedonian

I have known that this would happen

It must happen

Alexander needs an heir

It still feels like a kick in the stomach

Taking the air from my lungs

I am cutting myself more often now

Not caring if it is seen or not

I slash at my arms my thighs

_Unlovable_

The night of his wedding I cannot go

I cannot watch her as she sits in her cage- like dress

Alexander is happy

I feel hate

For her, Roxanne

For Alexander

I leave the compound and walk near the water

I bring with me pure wine, strong, bitter

I am drunk

_Unlovable_

I pick up rocks along my path and throw them into the water

They skip along the surface before going under

I yell out into the night

It feels good

"Hephaestion?"

I hear my name, it is Clitus

"What are you doing" he inquires

"Just waiting for this day to be over" I slur

I pick up another rock and throw it with all my might

I lose my balance due to my drunken state and fall onto the ground.

Clitus is there within minutes offering me his hand to help me up

"I am fine Clitus" I snort

Rolling onto my knees not letting him help me

"Alexander loves you Hephaestion do not tell yourself otherwise" Clitus tries to comfort me

"Fuck him" I snarl

"I am sure it will be months before he can pull himself out from between her legs to even remember that I still exists" my hate bubbling out of my mouth

Clitus is quiet letting me stew

Clitus the black, he is called that because of his dark looks

Black hair, Black eyes

Black heart

He is menacing and barbaric on the field of battle

Cutting down men like wheat

He is a big man

Tall, with arms like marble

If I were his size no one would ever bother me

He sits on a fallen tree watching me

I drink the last of my wine and throw the cup into the water

I stumble over to him and sit on the ground between his legs leaning my back on the tree trunk

Clitus is older, wiser

He no longer makes me feel nervous in fact his presence often brings a feeling of calm over me

My mind can rest when he is near

The racing thoughts slow somewhat

"It will be all right Hephaestion" he assures me

He rubs the back of my neck

I hug my knees and let him

It feels good the tension in my neck and shoulders slowly releasing

I moan and he stops

I turn around getting on my knees between his legs

My hands on his thighs

"Hephaestion, you are drunk and distraught" he says this even as his hands travels to my neck brushing the hair from it

Pulling my face towards his

He kisses me

Sucking on my bottom lip

Sucking on my top lip

I have my eyes close and my mouth open slightly

My hands on his thighs

Waiting…

So I might kiss him back

He lifts my chin with his thumbs and he kisses my neck

He runs his fingers through the back of my hair

He sucks on an ear

Back to my mouth finally using his tongue

Letting me kiss him back

I suck on his tongue

He holds my face in his hand

I open my eyes looking into his black eyes

Not Alexander's eyes

He moans and kisses me again

Devouring my mouth as if it were a last kiss

A kiss goodbye

Wrapping his arms around me he brings me closer to him

Kissing me

He smells different than Alexander

His touch is strong but not forceful

Alexander was always so rough

Bruising my skin, my mind

He pulls my tunic up and off

Running his hands down my back

Into my pants squeezing my buttocks

Kissing me

I have never been kissed so much

My lips seem swollen

My chin raw from his sharp facial hair

"I do not want you to regret this" he is searching my face for doubt

We kiss again

He comes towards me off the fallen tree

I lay back lifting my hips as he pulls off my pants

Running his hands over my thighs

His thumbs tracing the slashes

He shakes his head

"Hephaestion why do you do this to yourself" he questions not really wanting an answer now

He pulls off his own clothing

Lying on his side his hand travels up my body

He follows his hand with kisses

Running his hand up my leg

Kissing my stomach

Up the back of my leg

A quick squeeze of my ass

Kissing each of my nipples

His hands pushing into the small of my back

Kissing my mouth yet again

He rolls onto his back taking me with him

I straddle him

He sits up hugging me to him

Taking me down with him as he lays back

Lining himself up

He enters me

He is big, bigger than Alexander

I hold my breath as I adjust to him

Squeezing my eyes shut

My face is in his neck

He begins to move

"Hephaestion how I have wanted this" he moans as he slowly thrust into me

He runs his fingers through the back of my hair

Holding my head in his neck

He moves faster

I let out a long slow breath

He moves a little faster

I am panting

I can't help myself

I sit up

Riding him like a horse

Using my thighs to hold myself in place

We move together as if we have know each other this way

Our rhythm in sync

He sits up again

Taking my shoulders he pushes me farther down onto his cock

I cry out

I feel a building of tension as we move together

Building

His cock hitting the spot that creates white sparks behind my eyes like lightening in the night sky

We cum together in unison

I feel a rushing of relief throughout my body

He rolls over so I am underneath him now

Kissing me

"Hephaestion if you only knew what you do to me" Clitus whispers

I cannot imagine how I could have any impact on anyone

_Unlovable_

Alexander

The wedding party is at its height

I am maintaining so I will not be a complete failure when I take Roxanne to bed

I go out to the back to pee

Whistling to myself

I think we will go soon

Maybe I can come back down and drink my fill after

_Hephaestion_

Why am I thinking of him now?

Oh it's because he is there in front of me

Walking up from the river's edge

He is still far off but I know it is him by his walk

He is not alone

He is with Clitus

I can tell by the size of the figure walking with him

I am glad that he watches over Hephaestion

I watch them walking towards the compound

Clitus puts his arm around Hephaestion

I feel jealousy creeping up

No, no, he is probably distraught

Let Clitus comfort him

I hear them laughing

Well that does not sound like distraught

I am pissed

He is mine

He dare not love another

He is mine

I will speak with him tomorrow

I go back into the wedding

Taking my leave from the guests so I might take my new wife

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	8. Chapter 8

Hephaestion

I am told by Clitus that I must attend the wedding party tonight

Alexander demands it

Gods why does he torture me

It is the first time I have seen Clitus since last night

I do not know how to act

I am ashamed

I have betrayed Alexander

I want to do it again

Clitus was probably telling everyone that he had finally fucked me

If word ever got to Alexander

My heart picks up

I feel hot

It's hard to breath

Clitus looks at me

"Whatever you're thinking in that head of yours STOP" he exclaims

"Alexander will not know Hephaestion"

"I will take it to my grave"

I run to my water bowl and throw up

He hands me a towel

"I will meet you by the entrance, like I always do"

"Please do not cut yourself, you can do this"

He walks out

There is no way I can go without cutting myself first

Anxiety

My hands are shaking

He will know

You have betrayed Alexander

I kneel on the ground

Sitting on my feet

My knife in hand

My arms look horrific

Slashes on top of scars

I need to stop

There is no way I can hide these

One more time

I straighten out my arm

Holding my arm in place by my hand under my knees

I feel excited

I push the tip of the knife into my flesh

I exhale

Pulling down to create a line

The blood flows

The pain is what I deserve

_Unlovable_

I cry out

Releasing the feelings of guilt, anxiety

I wrap my arm with cloth

Containing the blood within its fibers

I dress in Persian clothes

Long sleeves, pants

I try to brush my hair

I have been neglecting it again

Mats are forming

It had finally grown some

Resting on my shoulders

I use my knife to saw away at the mats

Doing damage to the back

I do not care how I look I just want this night over with

I am ready now

I walk down to the wedding party

I see Clitus waiting for me at the entrance

He meets me half way a look of concern on his face

"Hephaestion, your hair" he says with concern

He takes my head and hugs it to his chest

Running his hands through my butchered hair

Holding my head in his hands he looks into my eyes

Questioning my frame of mind

I push his arms away

I look down at the ground

"I am well" I lie

We walk to the wedding

Every once in a while I feel his hand on the small of my back

Guiding me

"You are expected to greet her" Clitus leans down and informs me

"Then I can go?" I whisper

He squeezes the back of my arm

I walk up too them

Sitting together smiling

I bow to her not looking her in the face

"Who this" she asks, her Greek is primitive

"This is Hephiasion, my love he is one of my General's" he informs her

I cringe when he calls her "my love"

"He is also one of my closest confidants" he adds

I look at him, he is smiling

He winks at me

I smile a crooked smile

I do not have the strength to form a full smile

"You will stay till the end" he informs me

"I need to speak with you"

I nod "Of course"

My heart sinks I cannot sit here all night

I feel the panic rising

I walk back to Clitus and wait for the night to be over

Alexander

Roxanna is leaving

I tell her I will be there soon

Kissing her good night

I search for Hephaestion

He looked like shit when he introduced himself

His hair seemed shorter again

His eyes wild

I am reminded of his breakdown

Does he do this on purpose?

This drama every time he does not get my full attention

He knows I need an heir

He can be so selfish and demanding

I see him standing near Clitus

Jealousy takes over me

I do not like them being friends

I am all Hephaestion needs

I wanted to comfort Hephaestion he looked so distraught when he came in

Now I am angry

I walk to the circle of men talking and drinking

They congratulate me

I ignore them

Taking Hephaestion by his arm I pull him out from the circle

"Come with me" I growl at him

Pulling him off to the side

I see Clitus walk towards the edge of the circle watching us

This only pisses me off more

I am the son of Zeus, the King of Asia

Hephaestion is mine and I will do as I please

I shove him away from me almost pushing him to the ground

He stumbles

"Alexander?" he looks at me questioning my aggressiveness

The men are watching

"I invite you to come celebrate my wedding with me to and you show up looking like you are attending a funeral" I shout at him

Anger flashes across his face

"You did not ask me here Alexander, you demanded it, why do you need me here to witness your love of another" he screams back at me

I look over and see the surprised looks of the men watching

How dare he embarrass me in front of them

I punch him in the mouth

He looks at me with those eyes full of hurt

Spitting out the blood

I feel rage building inside me

I walk over to one of the men watching, leaning on a walking stick

I take it from him and turn back towards Hephaestion

His eyes widen with the knowledge of what I am going to do to him

I swing the cane and hit him across the back of his legs

He falls to his knees covering his head with his arms

I cannot see straight

I swing over and over until someone takes the cane from me

It is Clitus

I look down at Hephaestion

He is curled up protecting his head and face from my blows

I am immediately ashamed

What have I done?

I rush towards him kneeling beside him

"Hephaestion, Phai, I am so sorry Please forgive me I did not mean it" I cry

He is rocking back and forth and does not look at me

He is somewhere else

"Please Alexander, leave him be" Clitus pleads

I am ashamed

I look around and everyone is watching

I will talk to him tomorrow

He will forgive me then

Tomorrow he will forgive me

Hephaestion

I hear Clitus saying my name

He is kneeling in front of me his hands on my shoulders

"Hephaestion get up, can you get up?" he asks

I nod and stand

The back of my legs and my back are screaming

Everyone is staring

Clitus takes me by my arm leading me out quickly

He takes me to my room

Slamming the door behind us

I jump

"How dare he treat you this way" he screams

He comes towards me

Pulling my tunic up off my back

He lets out a breath

"Oh Hephaestion" he cries

I know what my back must look like

I have suffered this before

"I am all right Clitus" I try to comfort him

Pulling my tunic back down

"What can I do?" he asks

He has been so kind to me

I think of our night together

Does he love me?

I am overwhelmed with need

I need him to love me

I kiss him on the mouth

"Hephaestion you can't be serious" he exclaims

I do not understand what he is saying

Sex is love is it not?

Sex is everything

Alexander has taught me this

Sex is I am sorry

Sex is I trust you

Sex is I need you

Sex is I love you

Sex proves it all and says it all

It is the only thing I have to give

I kiss him again on the mouth lingering waiting for his response

I wait…Does he love me?

Clitus growls and pulls my tunic off

Reaching down my pants he pulls me to him

Running his hands up the back of my legs and up my back

I inhale sharply as he manages to touch every bruise Alexander inflicted

He stops

Taking me by my upper arms pushing me away from him

"I can't Hephaestion" he says sharply

"There is nowhere I can touch you that is not bruised or cut from your own hand"

"I do not want to hurt you"

I do not understand what he is saying

I lean forward towards him trying to kiss him again

"Stop" he barks

"It has been a long night we both need to rest" he says more gently

I blink as it registers what he is saying

He does not want me

_Unlovable_

I nod

"Go to bed Hephaestion it has been a long night" Clitus tells me as he walks to my door

I remove my clothes and crawl into bed face down and I am asleep within minutes

Alexander

I wake up with an instant feeling of guilt

I go directly to Hephaestion's room

He is lying on his bed still sleeping

His back and legs are covered in bruises

Long bruises

I am overwhelmed with guilt

I walk over to his bed sitting on the edge

Waiting for him to wake

It is not long before he stirs

"Alexander?"

He sits up slowly sitting on the edge of the bed with me

His forearms are wrapped in cloth his thighs have multiple slashes

He is still cutting himself

I take his hand in mine

"Can you ever forgive me Phai? I ask

"I do not know what came over me" I beg

Hephaestion takes my hands in his

"Alexander, I will always forgive you" he whispers

He is looking down at our hands

I do not know what I did to deserve him

"Why do you forgive me I do not deserve it" I tell him

He looks me in the face now his blue eyes reaching my soul

"Because I love you Alexander, I am nothing without you"

I touch his face

I kiss him

Slow

Sucking and nibbling on his lips

I hold the back of his neck with one hand

Holding his mouth to me

Kissing him

I stand without breaking the kiss

As I stand in front of him he takes my cock and circles his tongue around the tip

He spits on his hand and runs it up and down my cock as he sucks on the tip

Gods he was good at this, better than Roxanna

Not as good as Bagoas, I need to get them together

Hephaestion and Bagoas

I almost cum

I pull my cock from him then move towards him again

Herding him farther onto the bed

He lies on his back and I lay next to him on my side

He faces me and I pull him closer

Hugging him

"Show me you love me" I tell him

He kisses my mouth running his hands over my body

Sucking on my neck under my ear

Working his way down to my chest

Licking my nipple sucking it, licking it

He moves to the other doing the same

Working his way down

Taking my cock again in his mouth

Moving his mouth up and down my cock

He sucks on one of my balls

Then the other

Back to my cock

I lay on my back watching him work

Groaning as he sucks harder, faster

I sit up moving towards the edge of the bed

He follows me with my cock still in his mouth

We stand together, kissing

I lead him back towards the wall

Running my hands up the sides of his body

Aware of his bruises but not caring

"Face the wall" I instruct him

He turns around holding himself away from the wall with his hands

I encircle his waist and push into him

He grunts as I shove my cock in to the root

Pulling out then thrusting back in

His hands are clutched into fists as he holds himself away from the wall

Taking each thrust

Proving his love for me

I take his cock in my hand and begin to stroke it as I pump into him

Building speed

Building

I cum

He leans his forehead onto the wall

I pull out turning him so he is facing me

He winces as his back touches the wall

"I do not like how close you are getting to Clitus" I inform him

His face goes from shock to despair

I touch his face he can hide nothing from me

"He is my friend Alexander He protects me" he says softly almost to himself

"Protects you from who Hephaestion? Me?" I ask feeling the anger creep in

I see tears building in his eyes

Why the tears for Clitus

It makes me angry

"I will have no one Alexander if you take him from me" he pleads

"You only need me Hephaestion, I will protect you, I will comfort you, I will satisfy you"

"I am the only person you need, you will separate yourself from Clitus" I say this with a tone of finality

I take a handful of his hair pushing his head into the wall

My face inches from his

"Will you defy me" I ask bouncing his head off the wall to make my point clear

"No Alexander I will not defy you" he submits

"Good" I smile and kiss him

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